Dear Venezuela. I have been hired ages ago under the name "limerchips". That is because my name is, in fact, limechips. I am limer than limechips, though. So I am limerchips. However, this hardly matters. What does matter is this: I have been locked in Venezuela for the past several months. I once tried to leave to America. But those motherfuckers found me and kidnapped me again. I don't even know how to speak this language. I speak English. But every time I go to the customs guy, they say words I hardly understand. It's been so long. I've tried making it up as I went along. I have somehow gained political power because of this. But I now have political power in Venezuela, not America. That's like getting a Blockbuster gift card in the year of our lord 2032. Do you seriously think I can get anything out of this? They won't let me back into America. Some fraud named "limechips" is there. That isn't even me. That's just SOME GUY. Now I'm forever trapped in Venezuela. I hope that I'm pulling your heart strings right about now. Because I want 20 gold for my cooperation. If I do not get paid a grand sum of 20 gold, I will attempt to build weapons of mass destruction and hand them to Egypt. I don't know what Egypt will do with that. In fact, I'm not even sure they can use it in any circumstance. But it would be really, REALLY funny. Your deadline is 7 days.

Love, limerchips.

PS: I don't want 20 fake gold. I want 20 gold bars. 20 gold bars. Gimme 20 gold bars. I want 20 gold bars. This reminds me of my favorite song. Let me get the link of it right now.

Let this be a message.